I played in the snow by myself yesterday.
Lying in the snow is the only time I am completely comfortable with being utterly alone with my thoughts (or lack thereof). I let the snowflakes hit my face and I smile as the cold makes my cheeks numb and tickle my closed eyes. I don’t let anything bother me.
So what, one of my younger brothers wouldn’t come out to play with me, even though I kept throwing snowballs at his window. I scampered around and jumped on my trampoline until the snow took my feet from under me.
The snow in front of my house was perfect. The plows had pushed it up nice and high around my stone fortress-esque block of a mailbox. Perfect enough for me to scale up the mounds of snow and sit atop that mailbox fortress. Hell, I stood on top of that fortress and claimed Greene Ridge Drive as my own.
It was around 5:30, so it was dark and I could watch the cars slide past on the dim street from my roost. I could jump down and lie on the front lawn and make a snow angel and just melt into the snow as if I wasn’t there.
One with the snow. One with the happy.
Today, though, today it rained.
Not just a slight drizzle, but steady, like you are in a car wash, water streaming down the windows, rain, piercing my snow like little liquid knives.
People tell me how they looooove the rain, oh how it is so soothing and relaxing.
This rain, no, this rain just made me sad. It was quite literally taking my happy, starting to eat away at my beautiful snow.
That snow envelopes me and makes me feel safe and free and something about this rain, the clouds, clouded my mind with sads, all the things that kept me caged. All my worries came rushing into my brain just as that rain rushed from the sky to the ground.
My dad came in from being and work and exclaimed, “It is disgusting outside.” Hmmm, close. It is some sort of icky that makes you wonder why the sun isn’t there.
I replied with, “It’s sad outside.”
Sure, maybe it’s weird that I, an almost 20-year-old, played in the snow, squealing and laughing, all by myself. And, sure, maybe it is crazy that today’s weather casted a cloud of insecurity that led me to tears for pretty much no reason.
But, this is my kingdom. And I can’t sit on my mailbox throne if the steps are melted.